


Colonel Dedshott gets married

by constantlearner



Category: Dad's Army, Professor Branestawm - Norman Hunter
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-08-29
Packaged: 2019-05-31 21:08:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15127853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/constantlearner/pseuds/constantlearner
Summary: This is a Professor Branestawm story with a few Dad’s  army characters and a very slight nod to Jasper Fforde in Chapter 2. It is probably best to imagine this as taking place in the 1930s. Sergeant Fastenluce and the Printenpays are my own invention. The events in the flat above Mrs Pushnpull’s pram emporium are describe by me in a previous story, but anyone familiar with the Professor will be able to guess at what happened. I know the story should be complete in one chapter, but the story doesn’t know that.





	1. Chapter 1

 

** Colonel Deshott gets married **

Professor Branestawm’s inventions often caused problems. Sometimes it was because they worked, and sometimes it was because they didn’t work and sometimes it was because they worked too well. Mostly people in Great Pagwell were used to this, and so were people in Little Pagwell, Pagwell Parva, North Pagwell, and Pagwell-on-the-Hill.  Generally speaking, at the end of an incident only the Professor was actually in trouble. The Professor felt rather guilty about the events with the Branestawm Cat Ejector (and suction cat retriever), since Colonel Dedshott’s friend Sergeant Fastenluce had to move to Walmington-on-sea because Mrs Pushnpull had evicted him from the flat above the perambulator emporium.  Mrs Flittersnoop had mentioned several times how sorry she had felt for the Sargent.

“A very nice young man I’m sure, sir, and makes a very nice chocolate cake too.”

Because Mrs Flittersnoop felt  sorry for the Sergeant, who had had a broken ankle and still walked with a limp, she started to knit him an enormous jumper. Mrs Flittersnoop believed in “relaxed knitting” which meant that her jumpers got six inches longer in the sleeve every time they were washed. Things were rather quiet in Pagwell, since nothing seemed to need inventing at the moment, and the Professor, the Colonel and Mrs Flittersnoop were getting rather tired of having to go the long way round whenever they went anywhere, in order to avoid walking past Mrs Pushnpull’s pram shop.

There was so little going on for a whole month that most afternoons the Colonel and the Professor had nothing to do but go round for tea at each other’s houses. Then, while the Colonel and the Professor were at the Colonel’s very tidy house a letter arrived. It wasn’t just a letter; there was a letter in the envelope along with three pieces of card. The Colonel handed one of them to the Professor.

“Thank you. It is indeed extremely interesting. The edges appear to have been nibbled by some rodent, and yet I observe that the envelope appears unharmed.” said the Professor.

Colonel Dedshott, who knew that with all the extraordinary ideas whirling about in the Professor’s head the more ordinary ones were apt to get a little lost, turned the card over in the Professor’s card and pointed to the writing.

_Mr and Mrs Horace Printenpay_

_Have the much pleasure in requesting your company at the wedding of their niece_

_Daisy Printenpay_

_To Sargent Fraser Fastenluce of the Longbow light Infantry_

_On Thursday 21 st June, at  11am_

_At the church of St Bartholomew and some Angels, Walmington-on-Sea_

_And afterward in the Function room of the Black Swan Hotel_

“It’s an invitation.” Dedshott explained his friend. “Fastenluce has invited us both to his wedding. All three of us, in fact. There’s an invitation here for Mrs Flittersnoop, too. And Fastenluce has invited me to be his best man. I shall write back at once and tell him how honoured I would be. Must find out what the duties are, what!”

* * *

 

That evening a great many letters were written in Pagwell. The professor wrote back at once to Mr and Mrs Printenpay to say how delight he was to accept their kind invitation. Mrs Flittersnoop also wrote to accept the invitation and then wrote to her sister Aggie and her cousin Ada to tell them all about it. The Colonel wrote to Sargent Fastenluce, and to the Printenpays, and to his commanding officer to ask for the day off from the Catapult Cavaliers.

* * *

 

The next morning was even busier. Mrs Flittersnoop went to buy an even larger and more splendid hat. Professor Branestawm went to the Great Pagwell public library to find a book about how to be a best man. It was not that he was muddled up about who was being Fastenluce’s best man, but he had an idea for a machine to help the Colonel (and Fastenluce) and wanted to be sure he had got it right. Colonel Dedshott also went to the library to get a book on how to be the best man, but he had some Cavalier business to attend to first, so he arrived at the Great Pagwell public library after the Professor had left. The Professor had borrowed the only book about weddings, so Colonel Dedshott went to ask the vicar for advice instead.

* * *

 

The book about weddings turned out to be very useful. It had quite a long chapter on how to be a best man, but also one on how to be a bridegroom and one how to be the father of the bride. It seemed a pity to waste all that lovely information, so the professor made a machine with three levers, one for each role. He could always change the position of the levers in a jiffy if Fastenluce or Mr Printnpay needed any help. Admittedly the machine became a little warm if you left it switched on for too long, but that probably wouldn’t matter. The book suggested that the service was unlikely to be longer than an hour at the very most. After some thought he added an attachment at the side for holding bouquets. The he went to Great Pagwell High Street to buy set of posh cutlery for sergeant and the future Mrs Fastenluce. The library book, after all said it was a present that would    “always be welcome on such occasions.”

* * *

 

Mrs Flittersnoop went and bought a toast rack for the happy couple.

* * *

 

Colonel Dedshott knew that a set of cutlery was the proper thing to give as a wedding present, so he went and bought some in a very tidy looking box.

* * *

 

 

Mr and Mrs Mainwaring were somewhat surprised to receive an invitation from the Printenpays to their niece’s wedding.

“It’s not as though we’ve even met the girl.” Mrs Mainwaring said.

“I think you will find, my dear, that the Printenpays are fully sensible of importance of certain pillars of the community in a town such as Walmington-on-Sea.  They doubtless wish to do their best by their niece, especially as she has lived with them for such a short time. I shall be busy at the bank, but accept their kind invitation for yourself, by all means, my dear.”

“We shall give them a toast rack.” said Mrs Mainwaring.

* * *

 

There was, Mr Fraser the undertaker thought, no getting away from the attending the wedding or providing a wedding present for his nephew.  It was early summer, which meant that business was slack. Pleasant though it was to come home each evening to a meal cooked by his nephew, and very tasty they were too, the lad had the most appallingly profligate ideas about the use of butter, meat and even cream. Why, he even put sugar on his porridge.  These ideas must surely come from the Fastenluce side of the family. Any true Fraser would never be so reckless with the house-keeping money. His nephew might indeed pay his share of their weekly food bill, but the undertaker shuddered quietly to himself at the increase to his own portion of their bills. (Even if Mr Jones the butcher had been more cordial to him of late.) Still, the lad was not only his nephew, but also his godson.  Failing to provide him with an adequate wedding present, whilst it would probably not bother young Fraser Fastenluce at all, might occasional the sort of talk which might incline some of the people in Walmington to employ the firm of Stiffson and Cypress  in their hour of grief, and that would not do at all.

So while his nephew was out, Mr Fraser carefully disinterred a certain felt-lined box from the very back of the sideboard. It was good cutlery, each knife blade carefully wrapped in tissue paper and the silver plating quite unworn. The undertaker wondered if any of the set had been out of the box since his parents had received the set on their own wedding day in 1858. He examined the box carefully. The maker was still in business. Good. There was a small card under the lining. Great Aunt Maria. Well, she had always been reckoned to have good taste. He removed the card and gave the box a bit of a polish with the cuff of his black coat. He felt he was being stared at. Sure enough, he looked round to see a pair of yellowish –green eyes stare at him from the table with the aspidistra.

“You’ll not say a word of this and there’ll be a few more scraps after dinner for you.” He told the cat. “And it’s to be fish, as ye’ll recall.”

Charlie stayed sitting on the chenille cloth, but he stuck a hind leg in the air at a jaunty angle and began to lick himself. It seems they had a deal.


	2. chapter 2

 

** Colonel Dedshott gets married, chapter 2 **

The professor had added so many different attachments to “Branestawm’s  device for helping people during wedding services” that it took two of them to get it to Great Pagwell station in the wheelbarrow.  All the taxi drivers in the Pagwell area had heard about the Professor’s inventions; all declined to have anything to do with them. One had, however, a very useful piece of advice for Colonel Dedshott, who rang up to try booking a taxi a few days before they were due to go to Walmington -on-Sea. The colonel believed in being organized. Things were tidier that way.

“It’s called…what? Never mind. I did hear it; I just couldn’t believe… You aren’t a married man, are you, Colonel? ….. You’d better get him to change the name.” said Mr Swervn-Stopp. “Well if he’s painted it on, he’d better paint over it.”

There was a pause.  The colonel’s voice came, tinnily indistinct, from the telephone, but little Inga Swervn-Stopp , leaning over the bannisters and listening to her Dad’s end of the conversation on the phone in the hall way, couldn’t hear the actual words. She could tell the Colonel was asking a question.

“Oh, engraved. That’s rather awkward. But he would still be much, much better calling it something else. …… Yes, even if it is a bit difficult. ….He could use some really thick paint perhaps. …. No, nothing including the word marital. … Well, I’d really not explain what the problem is just now, my little girl is hanging over the banisters waiting for her bedtime story, even though I haven’t heard her clean her teeth yet.” There was a sudden patter of feet across the linoleum and the sound of a tap running, but Mr Swervn-Stopp didn’t make the mistake of thinking that meant that little Inga couldn’t hear him.

“Oh, yes, well….” Here Mr Swervn-Stopp scribbled a few words in the little notebook the Swervn-Stopps always kept on the telephone table. He crossed out a few words. “Aids to matrimony” was nearly as bad. He looked thoughtfully at his second attempt. If there was an innuendo there, he hadn’t spotted it. “Yes, I’m still here colonel. Have you got a pencil? Good, now if you want to write this down, I suggest this might be a better name ….it IS a bit longer of course. But whatever it’s called I’m not having it in my cab. Mrs Flittersnoop and the suitcases? Yes, I’ll drive them to the station of course. With pleasure. Just no inventions. Eight am on Tuesday? That will be fine.”

“I think,’ said Professor Branestawm, when they got to the station, “that we had better take the wheel barrow with us. Err um, we could leave the machine on the wheel barrow, so that we can push it straight onto the guards van.

“Very good, I’m sure.” said Mrs Flittersnoop.

“Good idea, what!” said the Colonel.

“Well …. make sure it doesn’t roll about.” said the guard, who was new to the area and hadn’t heard of Professor Branestawm and his inventions yet. “What is it anyway?”

“Wedding present.” said the professor. “My friend here is the best man.”

“You arrange the flowers here.” said the colonel rather hastily. He had begun to realise that people were sometimes rather wary of the professor’s genius. Or perhaps their heads felt as if they were spinning round and round when the professor explained things too.

“Ah,” said the guard. “One of these themed weddings. Very popular now I hear. Steampunk. Very stylish I’m told. Corsets and cogwheels and whatnot. And you gentlemen already in costume. Very dedicated.

And the professor was so busy wondering what a steampunk was and how the corsets came into it, that he stopped explaining, which was probably just as well, and they all went to sit down in the carriage, after wedging the invention in very carefully with their suitcases.

Mrs Flittersnoop had had a private word with Colonel Dedshott the day before. They had both agreed that it would really be better is if they could all sit in the same compartment. At the very least, the Professor was liable to explain something to a fellow passenger and make their head go round and round which could be unfortunate if they were given to motion sickness. But it was also possible that the Professor would see something that gave him the idea for a new invention and start inventing in the railway carriage. Luckily they found a second class compartment where they could all sit together. The only other person was a little old lady with faded blue eyes, knitting something with fluffy white wool.

Mrs Flittersnoop and the old lady chatted happily for the first ten minutes about  knitting and lemon sponges and getting the right sort of tea towel, and the village where the old lady lived, which seemed to have an extraordinarily high crime rate. Conversation then moved round too their destinations, and it turned out that the old lady was visiting Walmington-on-Sea, too.

“So kind of her to invite her mother’s old friend. Her husband has just been promoted to bank manager and they moved to Walmington last year.”

 The fluffy old lady was very easy to talk to, and Mrs Flittersnoop explained about the wedding, and Professor Branestawm found himself explaining about the cat ejector and suction cat retriever and how it had worked so well but the cats had been so unreasonable about it, and how Sgt Fastenluce really made an excellent chocolate cake and the old lady asked a few questions about Sgt Fastenluce and the Colonel found himself explaining  how the Fastenluce had injured his ankle and how he (the colonel) had been friends with Fastenluce since  the Longbow Light infantry and the Catapult Cavaliers have been on maneuvers together and  the sergeant had rescued the colonel from an embarrassing situation involving some Highland cows and a watering trough.

“And thank goodness there were no ladies present, what.” said the colonel. “As it was I needed to have a completely new uniform. “Funnily enough Fastenluce was on the point of getting married then as well.”

“Oh,” said Miss Marple (They had all told each other their names by this point, although the professor had got a trifle confused and introduced himself and the colonel to Mrs Flittersnoop as well.) “I gather the poor young lady must have died young then, and left your friend a widower?”

“No such thing.” said the colonel, and to their fascination the others could see his moustache becoming visibly more bristly with remembered indignation. “Spoilt little wretch met Major Muggington of the Mangonel Marauders about a month later. The Longbow Light Infantry had heard been posted to Foreign Parts with a Southern Climate by then by then.”

“Malta?” asked the Professor, who thought he had heard all the Colonel’s stories by this time but hadn’t heard this one.

“Ventnor.” The colonel said, “and only for three months, but from all I heard – and remember I only heard about this afterward from Colonel Marchemkwik  - it was long enough for her to imply that poor Fastenluce had been taken ill  and died due to the climate.”

“Very relaxing air, or so I have heard.” said Miss Marple, “But nothing more dangerous than that.”

“Quite so.” said the colonel, ”and once  the little trollop had  Mugginton hooked she wrote to Fastenluce releasing him from their engagement. Came as a terrible shock to the poor chap, who jolly well didn’t want to be released, what!”

“Dear, dear, how very sad.” said Miss Marple, “and then he broke his ankle quite soon after too? And went to recuperate in Pagwell?”

“Not for a long time afterwards.” said the colonel who was rather enjoying being the centre of attention while telling a story for once. “Fastenluce was a perfect gentleman about it of course, and said all the usual stuff about keeping the ring and regarding it as a present from a friend when she said it would be quite difficult to send it back to him because it might get lost in the post, but it hit him hard and he spent a lot of time talking about it to Gillian Tingg.  Eventually they started walking out together and she disapproved of so many of his friends and made him drop them, so that the poor chap was pretty lonely when she threw him over a month after the Longbow Light Infantry came back from the Isle of Wight. The best you can say about it is that he got very fit, running up and down from the barracks to the phone box because she expected him to ring her three times a day.”

“Dear me,” said  Miss Marple, “and so expensive if one rings before 6pm.”

“Indeed,” said the colonel, “and she said that she’d posted the ring back to him, and an envelope did arrive, with a hole in it. About the size of a pen-nib. The bottom bit where it fits the pen obviously, not the bit you write with.”

“Very careless of her not to use registered post.” said Miss Marple. “Poor Mr Fastenluce.”

“Quite so.” said Mrs Flittersnoop.

“Dear me.” said Professor Branestawm, who started searching his pocket for a piece of string.

“So sad.” said Miss Marple, “and so very often people seem to have patterns of behaviour that remind one so much of other people.”

“Very good I’m sure.” said Mrs Flittersnoop who was used to people saying things she didn’t understand, because the professor said them all the time.

“Indeed, quite true, what!” said the colonel, who was wondering why the professor was measuring the nib of his fountain pen and getting ink all over the string and the six inch rule which he had fortunately found stuck into his hat band.

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

After such a sad story, thought Mrs Flittersnoop, it was wonderful to see Sgt Fastenluce so happy when he met them at the station.  Why, the man didn’t stop smiling as he helped wheel the invention to the church ready for next morning and listened to the professor explain how it worked and the settings with three levers.

* * *

 

It seemed, thought Colonel Dedshott as Fastenluce introduce them to his uncle, that Charlie had not forgotten who had maneuvered him into the cat ejector on that unfortunate afternoon in Pagwell. Charlie eyed him balefully from the top of a cupboard and the Colonel was very relieved that he and the Professor would be staying the night at a hotel.

* * *

 

“I say, Dedshott,” said the professor quietly as they unpacked their suitcases in the hotel room and put on smarter clothes to go and have afternoon tea and be introduced to the Printnpays  “that girl.”

“Which girl?”

“The Gill Tingg one.”

“There were two.”

“Miss Tingg, I mean, the one who said she’d posted the ring.”

“Oh yes, her.”

“Well, I’m sorry to tell you, Dedshott old chap, but I don’t think she was being honest with Sgt Fastenluce at all. I mean, she could have forgotten to put the letter in – I do that often enough myself, and she could have forgotten to put the ring in if she was absent minded. Some people are you know.”

“Yes?”

“But the hole in the envelope would have been too small for the ring to fall out of. I think she might have wanted to make it _look_ as though the ring had fallen through.” The professor explained. “And then she kept the ring.”

Only the fact that the professor was a very, very good friend indeed enabled the colonel to keep a straight face at this belated revelation. And after all, only the professor would think to measure a fountain pen and his own little finger (judging by the inkstains) before making such an accusation.

“By Jove, Branestawm, I think you’re right. She was a bad lot and no mistake! Still, all water under the bridge now, hey.”

“How long have we got until we go to the Printnpays?” the professor asked.

“Forty-seven minutes.” The colonel felt being precise was important.

“Just enough time.” And the professor sat down at the dressing table to invent something rather small and fiddly.

* * *

 

“And Aunt Jane” said Elizabeth Mainwaring, “I hope you won’t mind attending a wedding with me tomorrow. George will be at the bank of course.”

“I shall be delighted, my dear Elizabeth, delighted. I always find weddings so very _interesting_ , don’t you? Oh and I have a small favour to ask.  I see you have a telephone. Would it be possible for me to ring my young friend Inspector Derek Craddock? I shall pay for the call of course and not make it until six o’clock.”

* * *

 

“Batteries?” said Fastenluce in response to the professor’s question. “You probably won’t get any today. Half day closing you see. You might have time to get them before the wedding tomorrow.”


End file.
